teach me to heal myself


How to Kiss a Women

Reference #: 826
Submit Date: 12 Aug 2006
Browse Category: kiss
Author: none
Email Address: none
Treatment used: kiss
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Remedy will cost you: free
Country of Remedy: USA
Remedy Source: folklore
More Links about this Remedy: http://www.bossanova.com/weevil/kiss/
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Browse: kiss

Remedy Description

Source: Borrowed out of total respect but without permission from Esquire

GENTLEMAN, Fall 1995.Volume 3. No. 2. pg 41-42. Savoir Faire Column

by Lynn Snowden

link: http://www.bossanova.com/weevil/kiss/

How to Kiss a woman

Never underestimate the power of the perfect kiss. Get it right, and the

rest will fall into place.

It has been theorized that a woman decided within five minutes of meeting

a man whether or not she will have sex with him. Possibly true, but there

is one catch. Most women I know, myself included, may initially decide

we'll have sex with a guy, but when we find out he's a bad or a mediocre

kisser, we change our minds entirely. We decide we will never have sex

with this guy. He won't even get asked for a nightcap, much less for

breakfast the next morning. As our lips part while we stand on the

doorstep, we will announce that we have an early-morning meeting or (if

you were really awful) that we're actually already married to someone else.

What we will never, ever say is, "God, you're a lousy kisser. I was going

to have sex with you until just this moment." This is one of the ways in

which men and women differ. If a man is very attracted to a woman but

discovers she's a bad or mediocre kisser, he'll probably have sex with her

anyway if presented with the opportunity. A woman can't get past a bad

kiss. (Unless, of course, she's a horrible kisser herself, but we're not

talking about those women here.) Experience has shown most women that a

bad kiss only spells trouble down the road, so to speak. After all, if he

hasn't mastered kissing and fails to see its sensual possibilities, what

hope is there for, ahem, anything else?

The disappointment of a bad kiss is a recurring topic of discussion among

a group of single women I run with in the park several times a week. "It

tuens into a fabric softener thing," says Nora, a blond from Dallas, when

describing the previous night's date. "You know, where the guy kisses you

and it's so bad but you've got to finish it up so your mind wanders and

you start wondering if you have enough fabric softener to do two loads of

laundry the next day?" She laughs. "So I'm thinking about that, and the

guy says, "Wow! You're very passionate."

Oh, the egos we would crush if men could hear the post-mortems. If any

guys happen to be running with us, they immediately demand to know what

exactly constitutes a bad or good kisser. So we tell them about the all-

purpose litmus test: A bad kisser, reguardless of whether he likes to

secrete a gallon of drool or waggle his head like a dog menacing a bone,

seems to be simultaneously thinking: " When can we get to step two? And

three and four? Is she aroused yet? can I put my hand on her breast now?"

He sees kissing as the next step on a carnal quest. The good kisser,

however, sees the kiss as the destination itself. He kisses as if he will

never do anything else with this woman, as if he never wants to do

anything else with this woman. He kisses as if this is what he's been

dying to do for years and he wants to savor every moment. I guarentee you

that this is when the woman decides there will be other activities on the


The first thing to remember: When in Doubt, Go Slowly. make that first

kiss slow and gentle and easy. While you may want to demonstrate that

you're a cauldron of seething desire, save that for later, when you're

both sufficiently warmed up. In the meantime, resist the urge to mash your

face against hers so hard your teeth collide and she ends up with brush

burns from your stubble. One woman in our running group actually passed

out during a particularly bad kiss of this sort, when the man pressed his

face to hers so tightly he blocked off her nose with his cheek, mistook

her thrshing for passion, and suddenly felt her body go limp. "i was out

for maybe thrity seconds," she says. "Fortunately, he had me in a bear

hug, so I didn't hit the group. Of course, he thought I passed out because

the kiss was so good." This is what's known as the Harrison Ford School of

Making Out. Watch him in the movies,a nd watch his costar's face get

twisted out of shape from the sheer force. this is also why they're

panting afterward. It's not from desire, it's oxygen deprivation. So the

second thing to remember while kissing is to make sure she can still

breathe through her nose.

There are other movie stars who perpetuate bad kissing styles. There's the

Tom Cruise Method (as seen in Top Gun), whereby his tongue is already

slithering out before he's met her lips. This is also referred to as the

Lizard-King Style, and once lip-locked, it may also feature the rather

grotesque tongue-insterted-rapidly-in-and-out. Most women do not cherish

the idea of kissing a large anaconda, which is what this must be similar

to. Equally unappealing is when the guy's tongue seems to be on a thorough

search for any food trapped between the woman's molars. This is her

tongue's job, not yours. The only response possible is for the woman to

open her mouth wide and remain motionless while he finishes his routing, a

posture that calls to mind trips to the dentist.

Like good sex and great dancing, any tongue action should involve a give-

and-take, with both parties allowed the opportunity for interaction in a

saliva-laden minuet. Get into a groove with this, and every now and then

you may want to stop for a short time while still joined at thelips. Like

being on a dance floor and suddenly holding your partner motionless, it

can have the galvanizing effect of heightening the sensation. this is

ideally practiced in places like a dark booth in a dive bar with a great

jukebox. Just make sure your sleeve doesn't catch fire from the candle on

the table.

So although no one wants a tongue completely jammed down her throat,

neither do we want its exact opposite, as favored by Woody Allen, one of

the screen's all-time-worst kissers. Check out the last scene in Hannah

and Her Sisters, and you'll see him pecking away at Dianne Wiest. This

Road-runner-eats-birdseed style of dry, repeated kisses accompanied by

inordinately loud smacky sounds is not what any woman fantasizes about--

even if she's weird enough to fantasize about kissing Woody Allen. The

occasional smacky sound is inevitable and can exciting, but go easy on the

moaning and groaning. Its sounds fake at best and, at worst, like an

unconscious habit, like tuneless whistling.

Daniel Day-Lewis belongs in the kissing hall of fame for Best Use of

Hands. He gently caresses his costar's face and touches her hair, a model

of how hands can increase the erotic pleasure of the moment. Bear in mind

the hands should not be used to prevent the woman from going anywhere or

to clamp her head into one uncomfortable position. Remember most women

like men to toy gently with their hair. After decades of bad press about

sticky hairsprays and helmet hair, most of us have been using products to

enhance "touchability" and are favoring hairstyles that look good a bit

tousled. So go ahead and touch hair. And quit using all that sticky

hairspray and goo so we can go back to touching yours.

Finally, I offer this suggestion: Try opening your eyes. I once cautiously

opened my eyes while kissing and saw a pair of brown eyes staring back at

me, which made the kiss even better because it became more intimate. Some

people find this to be an impossible task (like sneezing with your eyes

open), but while the prevailing belief is that we must try to block out

all other sensations, you may find that kissing with your eyes open is the

sensual equivalent of making love with the lights on. And if you're going

to be kissing for several hours in a make-out bar, it's a good idea to

peek periodically at the where-abouts of your drinks, her purse, and your


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